


What Do You Know Of Love?

by camichats



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Angst, Conversations, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Not Cheating, One Night Stands, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27532978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camichats/pseuds/camichats
Summary: Sirius didn't know much about love. He thought he was getting better the older he got, but he kept messing up where James was concerned.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	What Do You Know Of Love?

Sirius was eleven, and he didn't really know what love was. He'd met dozens of people during his childhood, but most of them were family. He'd heard the word 'love' applied to marriages in his readings, but he never once thought that it was real. It certainly didn't apply to any of the married couples in their family that he'd met. 

He looked at James Potter and thought that he was the sun. Everything gravitated towards him. Maybe that's what love was: a gravitation. 

Sirius was a star, so they were similar, but they couldn't really compare. A star didn't mean the same to a person as the sun did. The sun was constant. Stars changed with the seasons. Sirius had his moments. He was a good friend sometimes, and other times he was a nuisance. He was aware of that. 

James was... celestial. So big that Sirius couldn't fathom it. 

He wanted to know more. 

* * *

Sirius was twelve, and he sort of knew what love was now. He'd met James's parents, and it was obvious that they were in love. He may not really know how to recognise it in himself or what it might even look like, but he could spot it. 

Watching them, he wondered if he even knew how to love. Their comfort and trust with each other was nothing he could imagine for himself. Sometimes, James's mum would turn to ask for help with something, and James's dad was already at her side, lending a hand. 

James loved. It was obvious to Sirius that he'd gotten it from his parents. Sirius's parents didn't love. Not each other, not him, and not Regulus. Maybe they loved someone else, but Sirius had never seen it. 

If Sirius wanted to learn to love-- and he did-- he was going to have to learn it elsewhere. So he decided to watch. He was going to watch James's parents when he visited, and he was going to watch James. Given enough time, he was confident that he would figure something out. 

* * *

Sirius was thirteen, and he felt like he was starting to get the hang of this love thing. He loved his brother, and he loved his friends. 

* * *

Sirius was fourteen, and he learned about the bad side of love: jealousy. Moony told him that there was nothing to be jealous of since James would still be mates with them even if he started dating Lily, and Wormtail agreed. 

When he told James that he didn't like him chasing after some bird, James told him something similar-- that there was nothing to worry about because he'd still be around, and Sirius would still be his best mate. 

Sirius frowned, wondering if he'd messed up this whole 'love' thing somewhere down the line. It didn't seem to bother Wormtail or Moony that much. He'd met their parents a couple times, and they were far more like the Potter's than they were the Black's. Maybe they were right; he was probably getting jealous because he was new at this. 

* * *

Sirius was fifteen, and he was in love with his best mate. 

* * *

Sirius was sixteen, and he told his best mate that he was in love with him. 

Sirius was sixteen, and he wished that he'd never bothered to find out what love was. 

* * *

Sirius was seventeen, and he felt like he was dying. 

James didn't love him. Regulus hated him. Remus was annoyed by him when he was around. Peter always looked at him like he was a bomb about to explode. Regulus told him to bugger off any time he tried to talk to him. James pretended like he was happy to have Sirius around, but it was obvious that he wasn't comfortable spending time with him one on one so soon after Sirius had poured his heart out-- an experience he was never going to repeat with anyone; he'd learned his lesson the first time. 

He stopped trying to find loved ones to spend time with. No one liked him as much as he liked himself, after all. Being Padfoot made it easier to be alone, not to mention more comfortable. He could lounge just about anywhere and be comfy enough that he could fall asleep if he wanted. 

* * *

Sirius was eighteen, and James told him, with a wide smile, that he was dating Lily. Sirius knew what love was; he knew what a broken heart was. What he knew even better was how to lie. 

He grinned. "That's great." 

He tried to hate Lily. It didn't really work. He held a certain amount of animosity for her, but it didn't make him  _ hate _ her. Her only real flaw was that she was dating James, and that made Sirius jealous, not question her taste. He couldn't hate someone for doing what he would do given half the opportunity. 

* * *

Sirius was nineteen, and Lily told him with shaking hands that she didn't think she wanted to marry James. 

James had proposed. He'd asked Sirius if he thought it was a good idea, and Sirius had done what he always did: lied. It was supposed to have been a lie because it wasn't a good idea for Sirius's continued happiness if the man he was in love with off and married someone else. It wasn't supposed to be a lie because Lily didn't want to marry him. 

"Tell him that you're not ready," Sirius said, patting her shoulder in a way he hoped was comforting. He wasn't great at comforting people. Mostly he copied what James did and hoped for the best-- which occasionally didn't work out when it turned out that something Sirius liked was really weird to everyone else. "He'll understand." 

"It's not that I'm not ready," Lily said, wringing her hands together as tears beaded in her eyes. "It's that I don't want to marry him. I- I don't think I even want to date him anymore. We had fun, and I care about him, but I never saw myself ending up with him, y'know?" Sirius had thought they'd end up together because James was his best mate, and that's what James had wanted. It hadn't really occurred to him that they wouldn't. "Like, when I think about my future, he's not there. Jesus, that sounds bad," she muttered. She always cursed like a Muggle when she was falling apart. 

Sirius wrapped an arm around her shoulders, and he knew it was the right move when she curled against him. "It'll be okay." 

"Promise?" 

Sirius still didn't know much about love. Not compared to all of his mates. He loved Lily, and she needed to hear him say that it would be okay, so he said, "Promise." He didn't know if it was the right move or not. 

It made her feel a little bit better, so he figured it was the right thing. 

Sirius was nineteen, and the love of his life came into his flat and kissed him hard. 

He didn't really think about it. James wanted him, was kissing him, was moaning against his mouth, and Sirius didn't think about anything it might mean other than the fact that he was getting something he'd dreamed about for years. He couldn't remember for sure, but he was pretty sure that he told James he loved him. He'd been thinking it so much that it must have slipped out at some point. Even if it had been muttered against his mouth in such a way that the words weren't distinct. 

He didn't think about it until early the next morning when he caught James trying to sneak out. There was no other way to describe what he was doing. He was definitely sneaking out. You didn't sneak out after having sex with the love of your life-- you just didn't. There was only one way to explain it then: James didn't love him. Sirius cast his mind back. He'd told James that he loved him, and James hadn't said anything back. In fact, James hadn't said much of anything the entire time. 

"Leaving?" he asked, pushing himself up to a sitting position. He'd woken up after James got his trousers on, but before he got his shirt on. He hadn't known what to say at first, but then James was creeping towards the door, and he was going to lose his chance to say anything. 

James froze, then turned back to face him guiltily. "Yeah. I've erm, got practice today, so- y'know, I thought I should get ready." 

"You don't have practice until noon. It's not even light out yet." 

James shuffled his feet, looking even more guilty than before. 

Sirius stared at him, and in return, James avoided looking at him entirely. "Fine," Sirius said, falling back onto the bed. "I guess I'll see you when you work up the bollocks to tell me what last night was about." 

"I didn't force you to sleep with me," James said quietly. "You agreed to everything." 

"Because I'm an idiot who's in love with you. Why'd you even bother asking?" 

James shifted his weight. "Because I knew you'd say yes." 

Sirius stared up at the ceiling. That buggering hurt. He'd never felt used before, not once he'd stopped living with his parents. He'd always thought of James as the good one. The put-together one. He was the person everyone knew that had his shite together; he didn't make stupid mistakes because he always knew exactly what he should be doing. "Just go," he muttered, rolling onto his side so his back was to James. 

He left. 

It felt like it took ages for him to fall back asleep, but by the time he woke again, he couldn't tell. It was almost as if he'd slept through the entire night with no interruptions. It was a nice little dream, except he remembered all of it. Best night of his life, and also the worst. 

He rolled onto his other side, facing the door. The side of the bed that James had slept on was still rumpled. If he wanted, he could pretend like James was in the kitchen, making some tea or scrambling some eggs. But he wasn't, so Sirius didn't bother with a little daydream. 

He'd been happy when he went to sleep last night. 

Sirius was nineteen when the love of his life kissed him, and he was nineteen when he had his heart broken. Again. By the same person. He really felt like he should've learned his lesson last time, but he loved James. He was nineteen and still feeling like so much rubbish when a knock came on the door to his flat, and he opened it up to see James. "What're you doing here?" Sirius asked. Suddenly, he wished very much that he'd bothered to get dressed before answering the door. As it stood, he was only in his pants. The love bites that James had left on him last night were rather visible right now. 

James didn't move to walk into the flat, which was good; Sirius wasn't sure he would've let him in. "I don't think I explained myself very well last night." 

"I think you managed to get your point across. You snuck out, and you said that you only shagged me because you knew I'd say yes. I suppose you could've been more specific, but I don't really need to know the details." Sirius went to close the door, but he stopped when James put a hand out. 

"Please, it's- it wasn't like that." 

"I'm literally quoting you." 

James didn't argue that, looking pained. "You don't have all the information." 

"Which would be?" 

He glanced down the empty hall. "Can I come inside?" 

"Not until you give me a good reason." Normally, Sirius would've said yes. However, he normally wouldn't be so mad at James, so it did make sense in the end. 

"I love you." 

"I fail to see how lying will get you back in my good graces." 

"I'm not lying," James said, a definite note of pleading in his voice. 

Sirius wanted to believe him. He didn't, but the hope growing in his chest was too much to ignore. He pushed the door open wider, and the first thing James did was hug him. 

"I'm sorry about what I said, and- and okay, I probably should apologise for last night too because that's never how I wanted things to start with us." He pulled back, looking at Sirius, desperate for him to understand. 

All Sirius could say was, "Erm. Door's still open." 

James kicked it shut without looking. It shook the frame. "I was so convinced that I was in love with Lily, and I kept pushing to make us more committed, but it's not what she wanted, and it's not what I wanted either. I just..." he trailed off helplessly. "The idea of being in love with her sounded so good. You know? I thought I was supposed to be like my parents. See a stunning girl at school and work until you're together, chasing an happily ever after. You're not supposed to fall for your best mate. I should've..." James put a hand on one side of Sirius's face, looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the world. "I should've told you what you meant to me back in fifth year, but I panicked. Shouldn't have panicked again last night. I came over to talk to you about everything, and-" he let his hand drop back to his side. "I ruined it. Woke up in the middle of the night and wished I could just start over, and then you woke up, and I- Merlin, Sirius, you've always made my brain stop working. I needed to think, and I knew that I couldn't think if I was still around you." 

"Is that supposed to be romantic?" 

"I dunno. Probably not." James swallowed. "I know I'm a total arse. If you can't forgive me, then that's my own fault, and I'm sorry. But I  _ love _ you. Maybe I don't know what romance is or how to do any of this shite right the first time, but I know that I love you." He looked at Sirius, waiting on a response. Something. Anything. 

"Or the second time," Sirius said, heart feeling lighter than it had in ages. 

"What?" 

"You said you couldn't get any of this shite right the first time, but you didn't get it right the second time either. The third time worked for you, though." 

"Is that- are you saying you love me too?" 

Sirius gave him a small smile. "You already know that I do." 

"I could stand to hear it again." 

"Greedy berk," Sirius said, then he pulled James close and kissed him. 

* * *

Sirius was twenty, and he knew more about love than he'd ever known before. He also knew that he didn't know very much at all, because no one did. Love was one of those things they were all guessing at. Personally, he thought he was doing great at it. James agreed. 

**Author's Note:**

> "You don't have all the information."   
> "Which would be?"   
> "I love you." 
> 
> ^aka the exchange I BARELY stopped myself from just putting in the fic


End file.
